Some times on the nights sitting at my computer, I start to think and wonder. Think if I rely needed him. Thinking of all the times that he made time stop, only for anger to halt the ticking of my clock. The words echo in my mind, the wetness still on my shoulders of warm water. Eyes stinging, expecting the tears that will never come. Should I feel upset? Should I feel wrong? I never know when the ticking stops.
Silence, well not quite. The fan talks to me in the damp cool air. Blowing its words and wisdom to me but it falls on deaf ears. Advice is something that is ignored a lot; sometimes you do not take it because you do not want to believe there is a problem. Sometimes you feel that you want to fix it on your own. But then there are times when you should have taken the advice and wonder why you are still trapped in the everyday lapse of life.
Life’s bends sneak up on you like the trailer to a new movie you go to, to find out it is a load of crap. Not quite what you expected from the all too well known producer, but still he receives an award for his upmost stupidity. All you are to do is try pushing the thoughts and visions from your mind about the wasted time. But at doing so you are making time disappear again. Oh how lovely that all is. Time always slipping away through the cracks of the boring life you live. What would you do with it anyways? Could you honestly think of something that you wanted to do in life that you could have done in that time? Perhaps watch a different crappy movie? Sit at home and watch TV or chat mindlessly to someone.
Friends and family are no different then a bad movie. You argue with them, get mad at them. You have a lover, sometimes you feel like fucking them out of hate. Something to release the pent up loneliness from your system that comes with people not rely knowing who you are and how they can help you. All love does is give you a sense of belonging, that is it. A sense. Something that can vanish as fast as it came. Something that will make you tick only for a moment. Now we come back to that ‘Clock’ the ticking of the clock in the mind. Stopping for various emotions and feelings. But the clock never stops. It has its own time and agenda; all you are losing is time and life.
Honestly there is nothing rely in life that is forever. A sense of belonging, a sense of happiness, a sense of honour. They are all temporary in this fight to try and do what is right. Some of us fight to be wrong. There are choices that are meant to be made. Problems meant to be solved. But rely you are doing nothing in the world. Nothing is forever. Books burn, data corrupt, people forgotten. What is the world rely, but being a sense of life?

Candice Louise Robertson
2009-09-22